The second year is always hardest.

That's what I've heard, and come to find out it's true. You're really still in shock come that first year anniversary, but wow, the second year just hits you like a ton of bricks.

Two years today my little sister and my unborn niece (who would have been two in a couple of months) were hit and killed by a drunk driver. She was making a left hand turn from Sublett onto Cooper, and the guy ran the red light and hit her going close to 60 mph. I was at the church at the time doing helping out with a girl's sleep over. We had just put the girls down when Pam Siddle, our children's minister, walked into the room where I was and told me to follow her. Kayla, one of my friends, was asked to come along with me. Pam and Cody, Kayla's mom, were walking in front of us and were silent. They lead us down to the Grand Hall, which downstairs on the opposite side of the church from where the girls were sleeping. Cody took Kayla off to the side in the lobby, while Pam took me into the Grand Hall. She grabbed my arms and had tears in her eyes. I knew something was wrong at the point. She told me Penny had been involved in a car accident and had been killed. I don't remember much of anything after that. Kayla's mom and dad took me home, and I didn't really fall asleep until later on that afternoon. The days to follow were a blur. So many people in and out of the house...so much food! The memorial service was a blur as well. I remember I was fighting what turned out to be the flu, and I ended up getting a lot of people sick. Since then, it's been a tough journey, but a good one as well. I've learned a lot these past two years.

This is one of the last pictures I took of Penny. It was taken the Christmas before she died.

Love and miss you Penny!

Work in progress

Hey! Remember me? It's been awhile, yes, but I have all the typical excuses...I'm busy, there's nothing really going on, etc. Actually, I have been really busy. I started my second semester at DBU about 2 weeks ago. I'm taking two classes this semester, and with working full time I am going to have very little free time! I have some sort of paper or project due pretty much every week from now until May. Yeah for grad school!

One of the classes I'm taking is Biblical Servant Leadership, and it's just like it sounds...a class on how to be a servant leader like Jesus was. One of the things we just finished talking about was how Jesus was a servant leader when we washed the Disciples feet. Obvious, yes I know, but did you ever stop to realize Judas was included in that act of service? This was done right before the Passover meal in the upper room...right before Jesus told Judas to go and do what he needed to do. In other words, Jesus washed the feet of Judas just hours before Judas would betray Jesus...and Jesus knew it was going to happen.

I have had several situations happen in my life where I have every right to be bitter and angry. In fact, I am currently going through, or more like dealing with, something I could be very bitter and angry about. The more I think about it, the more I realize how much I was played...the more bitter I want to be. But then I stop myself and remember this act of service Jesus did for His disciples...including Judas. Jesus had every right to be angry and bitter with Judas, even in that moment, and yet, Jesus still knelt before him and washed his feet.

And then there's me. After everything I've done...after everything I've said I would do and don't, Jesus still loves me and cares for me. That right there pretty much melts all the bitterness, pain, anger, and hurt I feel. But, boy, do I have a long way to go!

Ella, I'm not in Texas anymore...

Kansas and my visit with Liesl was absolutely wonderful!!! We had some really good food, and I had some really good beer! Liesl's roommate is in KU's band, so Liesl and I had fun talking about our marching band days with her roommate. Saturday was full of sports!!! I saw my first college volleyball game, which was really exciting, and then that afternoon I attended my first college football game. KU played Nebraska, and I got to Wave the Wheat a couple of times, which is really cool to see! Sunday was church, Kansas City BBQ (YUMMY!), and Wicked!!!!! I LOVE Wicked! I bought the soundtrack the day after I got back, and I have not stopped listening to it. I cannot wait for it to come to Dallas next year! My trip home was way fun 'cause my flight got cancelled. I ended up fly to Chicago on American, running/walking across the entire Chicago airport, and catching a flight on United Express, which means I flew almost 3 hours on a little bitty plane! Hahaha! It was sooo much fun, and a weekend I definitely needed! And of course, pictures:

Baylor played KU in volleyball, which is why we went to game. It was really exciting, and Liesl taught me a thing or two about college v-ball...just a tad different than little kid bounce ball! Ha!

The Kansas Sunflower! Liesl's roommate is down there somewhere! She plays sax, which is why Liesl is able to get along with her...she had practice dealing with me! :)

Liesl and I at the football game. I was cold! She was fine. I'm a wuss!

It's the traditional Pringles picture!!!! This tradition goes all the way back to the infamous bus trip to Atlanta, and every time we go anywhere there is a picture like this...including Germany!!!

Friends like Liesl are few and far between...trust me, I know! So even though it was an incredibly short trip, it's was a blast, and it's amazing how we can just pick up exactly where we left off!

Love you girl!

Headed to Kansas!!!!

I AM SOOOOOO FREAKIN' EXCITED!!!!!

It's almost like Christmas for me...I can't stand it!

Tomorrow afternoon right after work I am headed to Lawrence, KS to visit Liesl! YES! Liesl is my best friend from high school...well we met in high school, were best friends then and still are now. After we graduated from high school we haven't been able to see a whole lot of each other, so when we do get the chance it's always exciting and I always look forward to it! I got to see her back in June when she came down for the 4th of July and got to be in town on my birthday. It was so fun having her here, and now I get to finally see her place up in Kansas and have some fun up there! Not 100% sure of what we're doing, but I do know we are going to see Wicked! on Sunday afternoon before I fly back home...totally excited about that too! Yes, be jealous of me! Ha!

I'll take pictures and post them on here when I get back, but for now I'm going to try and get some sleep so I can be at my fullest extent of excitedness come tomorrow!!! HECK YES!!!

Finally, a little more

Sorry for the last post...it was a moment of desperation and frustration with everything that's going on right now. Thanks to all the family and friends who freaked out and called my mom to see what was going on with me! Haha! Seriously, thank you for your concern, but I am doing/was doing fine...just a moment of frustration!

I remember back in July saying I was really hoping to start posting on a more regular basis...and we can all see how that turned out! It's not for a lack of trying...it's for a lack of time! Let me see if I can get everything in here all at once...

The first issue would be my health. Back in September I went in for a routine physical, and a month later, and after many times of peeing in a cup, I came out with kidney stones! This was a month long process with many mentions of cancer thrown in by the urologist, so needless to say it was a little scary, not to mention a surprise! I have 2 3mm stones in my kidney that are going to pass, hopefully, painlessly. They are too small to do anything about at this time, but I go back in April for a check up to make sure they have passed. In the mean time I am drinking plenty of fluids, mainly water and lemonade, and praying it won't be as painful as the horror stories I've heard!!! I'm having some other health issues as well (not able to gain weight and extremely tired all the time), but we're still not sure what is causing those symptoms.

This is the reason I have had so little time to post as of late...thank you grad school for not letting me have a life!!! Hahaha! No, class is going good. I'll actually be done by the first week of December, and it will be nice to have a break. I have a research paper due next week that I haven't done anything for yet, but that's nothing new! I am pretty sure I'm going to change my degree to children's ministry...I just have to get in there and talk to my advisor about this.

Back at the beginning of October my family and I went up to Beaver's Bend, OK, which is right outside of Broken Bow, to get away for the weekend. It was a couple of weeks after the trial, and it gave us time to just hang out as a family and take a breather after the past year and half. It was sooo much fun!!! We stayed in a really nice cabin with a hot tub, went fishing, grilled steaks (cause we didn't catch anything), and made Smores around a campfire! Who knew Oklahoma could be so pretty???!!!

And what's been going one with me lately???

A lot of things actually...for one I dyed my hair red...again! It's been awhile since I've done it, and I figured it was about time for a change. I keep getting compliments on how good it looks on me and how it goes really well with my complexion. I even had someone tell me I look older! Hey...maybe I'll keep doing this!!! Hahaha!

Over the past couple of months I have a grown a lot in my walk with Jesus. I am learning a lot about myself and the woman of God He has created me to be. I'm learning you can survive just about everything, but the only way to really survive is to lean in on God. I'm learning that even though I feel incredibly weak and broken and fallen apart, I am incredibly strong because of God. I am learning the value of prayer and how it is the way to communicate with my Father...not just to ask Him for things, but to get to know Him, to grow closer to Him, and for me to become more and more like Him. I have learned the value of forgiveness, what it really means to forgive, and at the same time how amazing and full the mercy and grace of God is. When I turned 25 I thought my life was falling apart and this was the end, but now I am beginning to see the value of what I have been through in the past year and a half. Trust me...I would change any of the circumstances for a better option, but I am beginning to see the good that God promises for all who believe and trust in Him.

I have matured and grown a lot in the past 6 months, and I know the only reason I have been able to get through everything is because of God. I know He will never leave me...He never has left me. And for that I am extremely grateful! I am eager to see what God is going to do next, and to see how He's going to continue to work in all of these situations!

I want to update

I really do want to update.
I really do want to keep everyone up to date on what's happening in my life.
But I'm at a loss of words right now. There is so much stuff going on in my life right now, that if I really stop and thi
nk about it I'll just start balling...when really that's all I want to do.
If you've ever felt every emotion known to man all at once, you have an idea of how I'm feeling right now.
I want to be joyful.
I want to be at peace.
But my heart is breaking.
I'm falling apart.
God, take these pieces of my life and heal them.
God, take me and heal me.
God, return my joy!

Victim's Impact Letter

As promised, in a couple of days no less!, the Victim's Impact Letter that was read to Lorenzo during his trial this past Monday. We all submitted a piece of it, I put it all together and made it flow, and Dad read it.

Thank you again for all your love, support, and prayers during these past months.

Much love!

We’ve had a lot of time to think about what to say at this time, and more than anything we want you to know you hurt a lot of people very deeply by the choice you made the night Penny was killed. Since you’ve never met Penny before, we want to take this opportunity to tell you a little about her…we want you to know just who this person was that was taken from us way too early.
At the time of her death, Penny was a single mom of a vivacious 4-year-old son. She was also six months pregnant with a beautiful baby girl, Hayleigh Marie. Penny was a hard working mom, who was planning on getting her own place as soon as she got her tax refund. She had a place picked out and everything. She had simply stopped to get something to eat after work that night and was headed home when everything changed.
Now, her son, Kaleb, has to grow up without his mommy. One of the hardest things we had to do as a family was to tell Kaleb that his mommy wouldn’t be coming home anymore. The look on Kaleb’s tear stained face after telling him is forever etched into our memories. Kaleb will also never get to know his sister, Hayleigh Marie. He knows he’ll get to see both of them in heaven one day, but for the rest of his time on this earth he will not get to see them or talk to them. However, Kaleb has told us to tell you he wants you to have another chance when you get out of jail.
As Penny’s parents, we have lost our daughter and our granddaughter. We’ll never hear the chair Penny like to sit in creak anymore. We won’t hear the front door shut late at night when she comes home from work. We’ll never get to tell her to her face how much we love her. We’ll never get to hold her or just be with her anymore. Her birthday is next Sunday, and we plan on celebrating it with some good Louisiana gumbo…her favorite. We’ll also never get to see our granddaughter grow up. Hayleigh would have been about 16 months old by now, walking around and playing with our dogs and her big brother Kaleb. We’ll never know the person Hayleigh would have become and the great things she could have done for this world.
Penny’s older brother, Tommy, lost his best friend. They used to talk about anything and everything, and you took that away from him. He felt like he had failed his baby sister by not protecting her, but he has since realized it was not his fault. He wants you to be productive while in prison, and he wants you to remember when you say good-bye to your family today, none of us had the chance to say good-bye to Penny.
Christine, Penny’s big sister, also lost her baby sister. Sisters are such a special and unique relationship, and that relationship was taken away from Christine the night you decided to drink and drive. One of the hardest things Christine has had to deal with since Penny’s death is sitting back and watching all of her friends with sisters go on with life. She no longer has her movie watching buddy, she no longer has someone to go to the mall with, she no longer has her future maid of honor…she no longer has her sister and all the things that go along with that special relationship.
Her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and all her other relatives will never again be able to enjoy her company, her birthday cards, her phone calls, her text messages, and all the other sweet things she used to do for them. Her many friends will never see her smile again, hear her voice, or get a hug from her. And what great hugs Penny gave! Penny never got to hold her beautiful daughter. Days before she died Penny told us she wanted to go back to school to be a teacher. All those students she would have had will never get to know her or be blessed by her presence. You took something from us that is precious, extremely valuable, and irreplaceable. We will never get to see the impact she would have made on countless lives in this world.
With all of this said, Lorenzo, our family wants you to know we know your life has been impacted as well. We have to live without Penny and Hayleigh for the rest of our lives, and you have to live with the knowledge of whom you took from us for the rest of your life. More than anything, though, we want you to know our family has forgiven you, Lorenzo. We pray you will find the love and forgiveness that only Jesus Christ can give, if you haven’t already. He is the only reason we have been able to make it through this season of grief, and He is the only way you will be able to make it through your season to come. May you find the love, forgiveness, peace, and comfort that only our Lord Almighty can provide.