Headed to Kansas!!!!

I AM SOOOOOO FREAKIN' EXCITED!!!!!

It's almost like Christmas for me...I can't stand it!

Tomorrow afternoon right after work I am headed to Lawrence, KS to visit Liesl! YES! Liesl is my best friend from high school...well we met in high school, were best friends then and still are now. After we graduated from high school we haven't been able to see a whole lot of each other, so when we do get the chance it's always exciting and I always look forward to it! I got to see her back in June when she came down for the 4th of July and got to be in town on my birthday. It was so fun having her here, and now I get to finally see her place up in Kansas and have some fun up there! Not 100% sure of what we're doing, but I do know we are going to see Wicked! on Sunday afternoon before I fly back home...totally excited about that too! Yes, be jealous of me! Ha!

I'll take pictures and post them on here when I get back, but for now I'm going to try and get some sleep so I can be at my fullest extent of excitedness come tomorrow!!! HECK YES!!!

Finally, a little more

Sorry for the last post...it was a moment of desperation and frustration with everything that's going on right now. Thanks to all the family and friends who freaked out and called my mom to see what was going on with me! Haha! Seriously, thank you for your concern, but I am doing/was doing fine...just a moment of frustration!

I remember back in July saying I was really hoping to start posting on a more regular basis...and we can all see how that turned out! It's not for a lack of trying...it's for a lack of time! Let me see if I can get everything in here all at once...

The first issue would be my health. Back in September I went in for a routine physical, and a month later, and after many times of peeing in a cup, I came out with kidney stones! This was a month long process with many mentions of cancer thrown in by the urologist, so needless to say it was a little scary, not to mention a surprise! I have 2 3mm stones in my kidney that are going to pass, hopefully, painlessly. They are too small to do anything about at this time, but I go back in April for a check up to make sure they have passed. In the mean time I am drinking plenty of fluids, mainly water and lemonade, and praying it won't be as painful as the horror stories I've heard!!! I'm having some other health issues as well (not able to gain weight and extremely tired all the time), but we're still not sure what is causing those symptoms.

This is the reason I have had so little time to post as of late...thank you grad school for not letting me have a life!!! Hahaha! No, class is going good. I'll actually be done by the first week of December, and it will be nice to have a break. I have a research paper due next week that I haven't done anything for yet, but that's nothing new! I am pretty sure I'm going to change my degree to children's ministry...I just have to get in there and talk to my advisor about this.

Back at the beginning of October my family and I went up to Beaver's Bend, OK, which is right outside of Broken Bow, to get away for the weekend. It was a couple of weeks after the trial, and it gave us time to just hang out as a family and take a breather after the past year and half. It was sooo much fun!!! We stayed in a really nice cabin with a hot tub, went fishing, grilled steaks (cause we didn't catch anything), and made Smores around a campfire! Who knew Oklahoma could be so pretty???!!!

And what's been going one with me lately???

A lot of things actually...for one I dyed my hair red...again! It's been awhile since I've done it, and I figured it was about time for a change. I keep getting compliments on how good it looks on me and how it goes really well with my complexion. I even had someone tell me I look older! Hey...maybe I'll keep doing this!!! Hahaha!

Over the past couple of months I have a grown a lot in my walk with Jesus. I am learning a lot about myself and the woman of God He has created me to be. I'm learning you can survive just about everything, but the only way to really survive is to lean in on God. I'm learning that even though I feel incredibly weak and broken and fallen apart, I am incredibly strong because of God. I am learning the value of prayer and how it is the way to communicate with my Father...not just to ask Him for things, but to get to know Him, to grow closer to Him, and for me to become more and more like Him. I have learned the value of forgiveness, what it really means to forgive, and at the same time how amazing and full the mercy and grace of God is. When I turned 25 I thought my life was falling apart and this was the end, but now I am beginning to see the value of what I have been through in the past year and a half. Trust me...I would change any of the circumstances for a better option, but I am beginning to see the good that God promises for all who believe and trust in Him.

I have matured and grown a lot in the past 6 months, and I know the only reason I have been able to get through everything is because of God. I know He will never leave me...He never has left me. And for that I am extremely grateful! I am eager to see what God is going to do next, and to see how He's going to continue to work in all of these situations!

I want to update

I really do want to update.
I really do want to keep everyone up to date on what's happening in my life.
But I'm at a loss of words right now. There is so much stuff going on in my life right now, that if I really stop and thi
nk about it I'll just start balling...when really that's all I want to do.
If you've ever felt every emotion known to man all at once, you have an idea of how I'm feeling right now.
I want to be joyful.
I want to be at peace.
But my heart is breaking.
I'm falling apart.
God, take these pieces of my life and heal them.
God, take me and heal me.
God, return my joy!

Victim's Impact Letter

As promised, in a couple of days no less!, the Victim's Impact Letter that was read to Lorenzo during his trial this past Monday. We all submitted a piece of it, I put it all together and made it flow, and Dad read it.

Thank you again for all your love, support, and prayers during these past months.

Much love!

We’ve had a lot of time to think about what to say at this time, and more than anything we want you to know you hurt a lot of people very deeply by the choice you made the night Penny was killed. Since you’ve never met Penny before, we want to take this opportunity to tell you a little about her…we want you to know just who this person was that was taken from us way too early.
At the time of her death, Penny was a single mom of a vivacious 4-year-old son. She was also six months pregnant with a beautiful baby girl, Hayleigh Marie. Penny was a hard working mom, who was planning on getting her own place as soon as she got her tax refund. She had a place picked out and everything. She had simply stopped to get something to eat after work that night and was headed home when everything changed.
Now, her son, Kaleb, has to grow up without his mommy. One of the hardest things we had to do as a family was to tell Kaleb that his mommy wouldn’t be coming home anymore. The look on Kaleb’s tear stained face after telling him is forever etched into our memories. Kaleb will also never get to know his sister, Hayleigh Marie. He knows he’ll get to see both of them in heaven one day, but for the rest of his time on this earth he will not get to see them or talk to them. However, Kaleb has told us to tell you he wants you to have another chance when you get out of jail.
As Penny’s parents, we have lost our daughter and our granddaughter. We’ll never hear the chair Penny like to sit in creak anymore. We won’t hear the front door shut late at night when she comes home from work. We’ll never get to tell her to her face how much we love her. We’ll never get to hold her or just be with her anymore. Her birthday is next Sunday, and we plan on celebrating it with some good Louisiana gumbo…her favorite. We’ll also never get to see our granddaughter grow up. Hayleigh would have been about 16 months old by now, walking around and playing with our dogs and her big brother Kaleb. We’ll never know the person Hayleigh would have become and the great things she could have done for this world.
Penny’s older brother, Tommy, lost his best friend. They used to talk about anything and everything, and you took that away from him. He felt like he had failed his baby sister by not protecting her, but he has since realized it was not his fault. He wants you to be productive while in prison, and he wants you to remember when you say good-bye to your family today, none of us had the chance to say good-bye to Penny.
Christine, Penny’s big sister, also lost her baby sister. Sisters are such a special and unique relationship, and that relationship was taken away from Christine the night you decided to drink and drive. One of the hardest things Christine has had to deal with since Penny’s death is sitting back and watching all of her friends with sisters go on with life. She no longer has her movie watching buddy, she no longer has someone to go to the mall with, she no longer has her future maid of honor…she no longer has her sister and all the things that go along with that special relationship.
Her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and all her other relatives will never again be able to enjoy her company, her birthday cards, her phone calls, her text messages, and all the other sweet things she used to do for them. Her many friends will never see her smile again, hear her voice, or get a hug from her. And what great hugs Penny gave! Penny never got to hold her beautiful daughter. Days before she died Penny told us she wanted to go back to school to be a teacher. All those students she would have had will never get to know her or be blessed by her presence. You took something from us that is precious, extremely valuable, and irreplaceable. We will never get to see the impact she would have made on countless lives in this world.
With all of this said, Lorenzo, our family wants you to know we know your life has been impacted as well. We have to live without Penny and Hayleigh for the rest of our lives, and you have to live with the knowledge of whom you took from us for the rest of your life. More than anything, though, we want you to know our family has forgiven you, Lorenzo. We pray you will find the love and forgiveness that only Jesus Christ can give, if you haven’t already. He is the only reason we have been able to make it through this season of grief, and He is the only way you will be able to make it through your season to come. May you find the love, forgiveness, peace, and comfort that only our Lord Almighty can provide.

It's finally over with.

This afternoon the final piece of this year and half long journey of grief has finally fallen into place. This afternoon my family and I drove the 20 minutes to the Tarrant County Court House in downtown Ft. Worth to watch Lorenzo, the guy who hit and killed my sister and unborn niece, plead guilty to two counts of intoxicated manslaughter with a deadly weapon. He was sentenced to 10 years, and he will be eligible for parole in 5 years. However, if we stay involved in the case, send the parole board pictures and letters about who Penny was, and attend the parole hearings, he will more than likely serve all 10 years.

Let me tell you what happened. We enter the courtroom, and the judge calls Lorenzo to come forward. This is the first time we have seen him. He's actually a very clean cut guy. He had on a really nice suit and tie, and he didn't seem like he was a bad guy. Just a normal guy who made a really stupid and costly decision. The judge went through the process of explaining what his charges against him meant, asking him how he plead, and then making sure he was under no pressure to make this plea of guilty. In other words, Lorenzo understood beyond a shadow of a doubt what pleading guilty meant, and he was not being forced by anyone to make this plea. The judge then proceeded to ask him details about that night, and for the first time we heard his side of the story...what he was doing that night and how much he had had to drink.
Apparently, a friend of his had been over at his house fixing his air conditioner. They had been drinking. They then got in Lorenzo's car and drove to his friend's house where they drank some more. That night he said he had 8 beers total. He then received a phone call from his wife saying she was having difficulties with her pregnancy. So, he jumped in his car and drove home in a hurry. At this point he doesn't remember anything until he hit Penny. The judge asked him where this took place, and he told him at the intersection of Cooper and Sublett. The judge then says he lives around that area and remembers the accident very well. Just another one of the many coincidental God things in this whole ordeal!!! The judge then chews him out and lectures him on the dangers and stupidity of drinking and driving.
After this my dad goes forward and reads the victim's impact statement we had prepared. We each wrote a little piece of it, and I fine tuned it and made it flow. By the end of it we had the entire court in tears, including the DA. Lorenzo himself broke down when we told him our family forgave for what he had done, and his family broke down when we told him Kaleb wanted him to have another chance when he got out of jail.
Lorenzo then wanted to make a statement to us, but before he started the judge wanted to make sure he knew just how uncommon and rare it was that we, as victims, had forgiven him for what he had done. The judge said he knew our statement of forgiveness was true and genuine, and that his statement of asking for forgiveness better be just as sincere and genuine. He then told Lorenzo to turn and face us. Lorenzo then went on to apologize for what he had done, and he knew that although we were both suffering, he understood that the impact of his actions on our family was much greater. He said there was not a day that went by that he did not think about what he had done. As he spoke it got harder and harder for him because he was crying and fighting back tears. He was truly remorseful and sorry for what he had done.
Seeing him and hearing what he had to say made taking the 10 year plea the DA and his lawyer had come to agree on a whole lot easier. We understand his life is forever changed as well, but if he is truly sorry for what he has done, then we don't wish to completely ruin his life. He needs grace, mercy, and forgiveness just as much as I do. Who am I to not offer that to him when I need it just as much?
The judge continued after his statement. He totally blew us away, and ordered for Lorenzo, when he got out, to speak in high schools about the effects of drinking and driving. I really hope he speaks at Martin...the high school Penny and I and Tommy graduated from. He also ordered that Lorenzo pay us back for the counseling Kaleb went through, and he also ordered him to carry with him at all times a picture of Penny as a reminder of what he had done.

Justice was served today. I felt completely relieved...the proverbial weight lifted off your shoulders feeling. It's done. It's finished. We're at peace with what the court decided and very comforted in the fact that he will be making an impact for the better once he gets out.

So, that's it. It's over. What a relief!!!! I'll post the victim's impact statement we wrote in the next couple of days. It's a little long, and it would make this post extremely long if I were to tag it on the end here.

Thank you to all who prayed for our family during this time. Now it's on to finish healing and getting on with life.

Things that make me smile

About a year ago my cousin gave me this little black book...apparently the technical name for it is moleskin. Anyway, the whole point of the little black book was to write down all the good things God had done for me...to remember His promises. When she gave me the moleskins, I was having a hard time seeing how God could be good. Why did He have to take my sister and niece like He did? Why was the guy who killed them still walking around? Where is His justice? Where is His goodness? I must have been getting annoying...or I was clearly on the verge of going crazy, so to help me out she bought me my little black book and told me to write all the good things God had done for me...all the things that make me smile. Then, when I am discouraged go back and read them. I'll tell you it works. When I am discouraged, I go back and read all of the ones I've written in there and I can't help but walk away with a smile on my face and feeling 10 times better than when I started.

I thought I would share some of my most favorites with you:

• Kaleb: Oh man! Christine likes my shoes!
• When Kaleb went to the end of Dad's bed to make sure Dad's toes were still there when I told him Papa had a foot attached to his chest.
• Having my cousin bring me Chiptole when I had a bad day at work.
• On the Boarder time with Wendy.
• Special coffee at work.
• Rainy days that are perfect for hanging out and watching movies.
• Remembering that Kaleb used to say "Fry, fry" for french fry.
• Horseraddish cheddar cheese.
• Kaleb in his Spider-Man swim get up.
• Kidstuff! ...and the mess ups...the letter "m" falling off...
  
• Having Liesl tell me she's coming down for my birthday!
• Being alone in my car late at night after a long day.
• Possum Kingdom Kayak trip
• 4th of July in Michigan
• Kaleb: "That's ick! I don't touch ick!"
• Fart in a Cup
• My birthday card from Kaleb 4 days early because he couldn't wait to give it to me.
• Camp...dodge ball...smoke rings...Yancy...Keith Coast...BURRITO!!!
• Cowboys Stadium tour with Liesl and Kathryn on my birthday!
• Being with family in Arizona
• Kaleb: I'm gonna get great-grandpa to tie you to a hook like bait and cast you into the lake!
  Me: I have nothing to say to that!
• After saying I didn't like my elementary school's food, Kaleb replies, "Oh, you would like my school! They have the bestest food! They have corn dogs, but you can only drink chocolate milk. They will tell you, 'No caffeine for you!'"
• Kaleb sounding out "Mug" mug-jug
• Sanity night with Heather, Elizabeth, Kayla, and Justine
• Coming home from Boston Market:
  Me: Kaleb, did you fart?
  Kaleb: Nooooo!
  Mom: I think it's the chicken.
  Kaleb: How do chickens fart?
• Airhogs games with the girls...especially doing the Grill Races and having my pants fall down!
  
• After no one was wanting to say grace, Kaleb goes, "Well, Amen! Let's eat!"
• 1 1/2 hour hot stone therapy massage
• Lamentations...but especially Chapter 3
• Dinner with Lauren and catching up
• Ella!
• Playing Madden football with Lance

Looking back there seems to be A LOT of Kaleb...but oh well! What can I say? He's a cutie!

It's completely random I know, but I hope it inspires you to start doing the same. It really does help when things aren't going the way you want them to and you're feeling just a tad bit blue. A smile makes all the difference in the world!

I am a proud momma...

...of a 10 week old, salt and pepper miniature schnauzer named Ella!

I named her after Ella Fitzgerald because when I went and looked at her this past Monday she was really laid back and calm. However, you could tell she had some spunk to her, and boy was I right!!! Her name fits her well, and now I'm in the process of getting her to enjoy the sounds of Ella Fitzgerald! Haha!

I picked her up on Wednesday night, and she's almost completely potty trained by now. She hasn't had an accident since Thursday, but I don't entirely trust her just yet. Kona LOVES have a friend around! They play very well together, although Kona forgets just how big she is compared to tiny little Ella! Kona's head is the same size of Ella! It's really cute to watch them play together, and Ella can definitely hold her own against Kona!

Here are some more pictures!!!